My Smartphone has died...

DAY 5 without my smart phone.

   I am being assisted by a band of minimalist folk who have given me a small plastic device they call a "Nohkeeya". It has only 9 buttons and from the legend they tell me, is indestructible. With their help I have learnt basic survival techniques such as determining the impending weather by looking out the window or finding a marker of time by consulting something called “a watch”. They have shown great patience with me as I fuddle my way through communicating with the outside world. They tell me that I will learn to spell again without predictive text and my messages will eventually become shorter and more succinct.

   I am hoping they accept me as one of their own soon as I am intrigued to find out more about their ways. They have this ancient technique I desire to learn called “remembering”. They seem to have developed the power to store a mental image of an event or meal in their mind without the use of a camera. I saw one of them use a strange carbon rod to write a code on a small sticky slip of paper which he then put in walk way of his home. He said. “The message will remind me to pick up milk”. I find these people fascinating and hope to learn more. It is challenging but I believe I have the strength to carry on…

7 drink driving remedies for Christmas.

The silly season is coming and for some of you that means a lot of food and a "generous" amount of alcohol. Although most of you will undoubtedly be responsible and won't drink and drive some of you may bend the rules or try your luck. However the problem with being drunk is you tend to feel like Thor (and probably dance like him as well) so your judgement may be a tad off. That may be fine while you are wearing a traffic cone on your head and agreeing to snort wasabi but it becomes an issue when you climb into a 2 tonne killing machine.

So I'm here with 7 handy helper tips to help you navigate this Christmas and New Year party season and ensure there's no drink driving. I can personally say I have tried nearly all of them.

1) Buy a blowup mattress
Sounds like a simple solution but not many people actually do it. Everyone has room on the floor somewhere and lets face it, after a few too many you are going to end up down there anyway so you might as well make it comfortable. You can pick up some cheap self-inflating mattresses so there's no need to go blue in the face and give yourself brain damage trying to blow them up. Alternatively you can turn the event into some sort of party game and get your drunk mates to help you reverse engineer a vacuum to blow it up for you. If you do decide to do that make sure you are wearing rubber shoes and someone has the ambulance on speed dial.

2) Keep a sleeping bag and pillow in your boot
Don't want to stay at someone's house and endure awkward morning chatter? If your car isn't a mini cooper and you can put the seat down then you are in luck. Keep a sleeping bag and a pillow in your boot then you can sleep in your car rather than in someone's house. As soon as the morning rays start beaming in and nature's feathered alarm clocks start chirping you can get up and stealthily drive off. Of course that's only if you didn't go to sleep an hour ago. Don't worry about the seat belt buckle digging into your hip or the neighbourhood cat staring at you from the bonnet, you are probably going to be too "sleepy" to notice.

3) Use a breathalyser
Breathalysers are not only a great way of knowing you limits they can also bring hours of entertainment. If you were smart enough to take advantage of the cheap breathalysers on those daily scoopon deal type sites you have probably already used it. You and about 50 of your friends. As soon as you take a breathalyser out in any party situation the room will instantly divide into two groups. Those who want to use the breathalyser to get the highest reading and those who want to fool it. Any old wives tale about chewing gum, hyperventilating, sticking mothballs under your tongue, etc, will be tried on one side of the room and on the other side revelers with traffic cones on their head will be downing shots of any bottle they can find in the back of the cabinet before blowing into the machine and then heading off to blow into their mattresses. If you are only planning on having a couple of tins then this would be the option for you. You can know with a fair level of confidence that you are alright to drive and catch multiple oral hygiene related diseases in the process.

4) Use public transport
Many bus and train drivers forgo their Christmas celebrations to make sure you get home safely so you may as well use the service. The advantages of using public transport is that you get your own on-transport entertainment listening to lovers quarrel, people talk about deep environmental/religious/political beliefs through their choice of musical genre, how "Davo" lost his thongs at that "wicked" party or admiring the self determination of the drunk 40-something in the corner trying not to throw-up on his shoes. Also there is always at least one stop on your journey that passes a McDonalds so if it all gets too much you can get off and gorge yourself on 3 Big Macs, 4 Cheeseburgers and a Diet Coke while you wait for the next bus.

5) Wear Camouflage
This is one of my personal favourites if you happen to be partying at a home with shrubbery. Camouflage allows you to quietly slip out of the party and find a nice patch of garden bed to curl up in. Make sure you tell someone you are leaving so they don't start printing "Have you seen..." flyers. Sleeping under a bush means you can go about any required involuntary purging of turkey and tequila without having to line up and desecrate the host's toilet. Pop on some camouflage and the only thing that will disturb you is the dog. If your lucky the friendly canine will curl up with you and keep you warm. 

6) Hang out with a pregnant lady
There's always someone who had a bit too much fun in March and is now ready to pop out a mini-me. Cosy up with them and make sure they are always entertained, feed and watered. If they don't like the song, change it. If they want the last of the potato salad, guard it with your life and make sure she gets it. If she makes a joke, laugh your ass off (not too much you may freak her out). Try to be witty and charming as you would be if you were sober. That's right,  sober. Not like the drunk you that will be telling un-funny jokes at a ridiculously high volume and strutting around like your Frank Sinatra with a wooden leg. Then when she's ready to leave, hit her with a favour and get a lift home or to the train station. If there happens to be no pregnant ladies at the party the same can be applied for anyone on antibiotics, is allergic to alcohol or of a religious persuasion that forbids drinking. My hint is be nice but don't freak them out... and no inappropriate touching.

7) Invent a teleporter
If you're a super genius you could have a crack at inventing a teleporter. That way when you are ready to go you can miraculously transport yourself straight into your bed. If you do manage to invent this contraption make sure you take the receiver with you. You don't want to wake up to a bed full of drunken people wearing camouflage and traffic cones on their heads eating MacDonalds. But lets face it, if you're smart enough to invent a teleporter you probably haven't killed many a brain cell drinking and wondering how you get home.

So those are my 7 tried and tested tips. If you plan ahead you can make sure you don't risk your life and the lives of others. The urge to get home to a nice warm bed may be great but it would be no greater than the wish you could turn back time and bring someone back.

If you're reading this I wish you a safe and happy Christmas and new year.

x
Finklestink

It's about guns and much more

My heart sank this morning when I woke up to hear the news about the shootings in US Connecticut. A tragic and truly horrible event. My thoughts are with family and friends who are going through something I could never comprehend.

The US government have said that today is not the day to discuss gun control, I agree. It was yesterday.

I can see no valid reason for a citizen to have constitutional access to a semi-automatic fire arm let alone a hand gun. Countries before have tightened gun control it can change a country for the better. The UK and Australia are examples of this.

However tighter gun laws are not the sole answer. A better free mental health system is. I will never understand what would possess a person to do such a terrible thing. It is easy to point the finger at violent video games and movies but it is harder to find an answer to mental health issues. I play those "terrible games" and I could never fathom behaving in a way that would permanently damage and scar many family let alone a community in such a horrible way.

Twitter is abuzz with outrage, condolences and "facts" but the themes are consistent, gun control and free effective mental health are the start of a long and much needed path.

It's not your right to own a Facebook account.

Ok peeps, let me just remind you. Facebook is a free service and as you know, nothing is truly free. Facebook uses your likes, comments, etc. to filter the large array of ads they have waiting to show you. Mention "wedding" enough in your timeline and you will see bridal ads.

You can control what can and can't be seen in your privacy settings. You can even create private groups or direct message it (which are even better options) but remember if you write it they have a copy of it  (even if you delete it). So if you don't want it to be seen, don't write it. If it's a private photo send it to someone in a DM. If you don't want anyone to see it, don't take the damn photo.

You can't copyright it with a statement on your timeline either. That doesn't work. Facebook still needs to abide the laws of their jurisdictions. Facebook can't publish your timeline to the world 'just because'. You're not going to see your private profile on the news unless you get hacked and have done something very naughty. Check your privacy settings and double check the permission settings for any linked applications like "Birthday Calendar" or "Farmville".

You're using a free service which collects information for better marketing campaigns which isn't entirely a bad thing. Google, Bing, Ebay and iTunes does it to some extent.  If I do have to be shown ads I'd rather not see ones that have nothing to do with my interests.

Facebook is a free service that comes with a price. Think before you post. In today's world you have a digital identity. It's just a fact of modern life so either close your email, Facebook, iTunes account, burn your laptop/smart phone/iPad and buy a set of encyclopedias or educate yourself, read privacy statements and learn to better manage your online identity and use it to get what you want out of your online experiences.

Rant over.

Nephews

5 things I've learnt after babysitting my nephews for the weekend.
1) If it's "cool" its simply un-debatable.
2) Anything is a weapon.
3) Everything is literal.
4) There's no such thing as "too dirty".
5) Always have a wet flannel on hand.
... 6) Wouldn't change it for the world. X

The Committee and the Camel

Image taken from: Design Something

One of my favourite sayings is "A camel is a horse designed by committee".
Don't ask me who said it, I don't know.
I have nothing against camels either but clearly the brief was to design a horse.
Anyway my point is, too many people get camels when they want horses.

I am not making any sense to you am I?
Stay with me here.

There are many saying, proverbs, wise tales, etc. about too many people having input into situations.
For example:

"You cant please all the people all the time"
"Too many cooks spoil the broth"

... I can't think of any more. Shut up. I'm tired.

They have been passed on throughout time for a reason. Because they're true.
Whether it is at home or at work there's always a situation where a group of individuals want to have a say or influence what you're doing.
"There is no 'I' in team", is the common throw away phase they will use to coerce you into considering their input.

There are easy ways to overcome these attempts depending on who the person is and their approach.

Here are some responses for those who attempt to force their opinion or help onto you when it is not necessarily needed:

• For the Overly Aggressive Outsider:
  "Thank you. I will put that in a letter and post it to Santa".
• For the Overly Aggressive Colleague:
  "Thank you. I find your input fascinating and marvel at your ability to form words."
• For the Overly Aggressive Boss/Mother/Father:
  "Sure I can do that."
• For the Passive Aggressive Outsider:
  "Thank you, your opinion has been dually noted".
• For the Passive Aggressive Colleague:
  "Thank you. Could you please clarify what you were trying to achieve by making that statement and how it will benefit the group."
  
• For the Passive Aggressive Boss/Mother/Father:
  "Sure I can do that."

• For the Nay-Sayer:
  "You're right, it probably can't be done... if you were doing it.".
• For the You-know-this-was-really-my-idea-all-along-er:
  "Gee you come up with some great ideas. Tell me again why this hasn't happened yet?."
  

• For the Think-outside-the-box-er:
  "Cram it inside your box"

• For the Shouldn't-you-involve-these-people-er:
  "Do they watch you pee?"

• For the Shouldn't-you-do-it-this-way-er:
  "I probably should. You better go call an ambulance."

I am sure you all have said one of the above at some point.
Because lets face it. Sometimes, when you wanna get shit done, you just have to do it yourself.

Eat a cup of dirt before you die

As a child I was told by my Father that "Everyone should eat a cup of dirt before they die". This seemed counter intuitive as a child I assumed that if you ate a cup of dirt, you would die. He also believed DEB (a brand of powdered potato) was a solid staple for any child's diet, another potential colon blocking death risk. 

My Mother was a clean freak and would shriek at the sight of a child with a mouth full of filth (something I was exceptionally good at). She still won't let anyone put handbags on any of her household surfaces because of potential germ transfer. Its the floor or your shoulder, no bench, table or side.

The conflicting views of my Eat-a-cup-of-dirt-Father and my Ten-second-rule-does-not-count-Mother has resulted in a personality disorder which leaves me either petrified of germs or blasé about dirt depending on how much alcohol I have consumed. (Come on, we have all done the 3am burger on the car floor meal). 

So I decided to do some research of my own. What dirt can you eat and how much? Are their any health benefits? Does my insurance cover digestion of compost?

According to Wiki Answers there are more bacteria in a handful of soil than there are humans on the planet, which is pretty scary. If you suffer from Geophagy (dirt-eating) you would probably find that fact appetising. They can eat tons of the stuff and still seem to breathe, walk and talk like the rest of us.

An article about the hazards and benefits of eating dirt on a Kids Health website doesn't paint a good picture but does state that a small amount of dirt can be safely eaten. I suspect it probably adds up to about a cup full in a person's lifetime.

However it is not the bacteria that sends my clean freak brain into a spiral it is the larger gag inducing items I fear. I have been brainwashed enough by advertising agencies not to fear bacteria. Now when I think of bacteria I think of health yogurts and special gut balancing tablets.  I don't fear "germs" too much either. Every time I get some gastro related illness I tend to drop a couple of kilos (pardon the pun).

What concerns me more are bugs, fecal particles, hair (both human and animal) and sand.

Find a cockroach leg in your cereal? Instant sicky.
Eaten a salad when the lettuce has not been washed off properly? Remember the crunch of the sand granules? Kinda puts you off your food.
Gagging on a hair? That's one way to end a dinner party.

My sister covers her glass if someone farts anywhere near her (again animal or human, it doesn't matter). It totally makes sense to me. I can't brush my teeth in the same room as a toilet without wanting to gag.

Sound familiar?
So what do we all do to counteract this fear? We clean like crazy! We wash, bleach, wipe, vacuum, disinfect and bleach again!

I found an article on WebMD which exposes some surprising places where dirt thrives and most of them are the places we bleach, clean, clean, bleach, clean, bleach and clean again on a regular basis.

These places include:

• the kitchen sink,
• your toothbrush,
• the salt and pepper shaker,
• the TV remote
• your computer keyboard, and
• your bath.

Upon completing my research I have come to the conclusion that there is really no point to stressing about germs. I am going to have to face the facts and start serving mulch in my salad. The germs are everywhere and there is no escaping them. So I may as well eat a cup of dirt and get it over with... or maybe that is the wine talking.